Sad Chairs

Nobody puts baby in the corner.
 

Hakuna Matata

Dreams of the undreamable

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Have you ever thought of killing yourself?

 

Not REALLY killing yourself, but killing yourself.

 

Waking up one morning and forgetting everything you've become, everything you have been.

Forgetting yourself and everyone you "use" to know?

 

I have.

 

Just erasing everything. Going to a different class without the "okay" of your counselor. Not showing up for work. Ever again. Maybe changing schools, getting a new phone number.  Without warning, not telling anyone, just gone. Would it be as if you were dead? Would you be considered missing and never found? Would you be "that girl" that everyone gave up on?  Would anyone even notice and if they did, would they care?

 

Sometimes I wonder if people even notice me, see me. Am I just that one girl, in that one class?

 

I don't know. What is graduating High School if you don't even exist? Not being asked to you senior prom would matter a whole lot less if you didn't even go there anymore. The things that "mean" so much, would be nothing, absolutely nothing. Without people who seem to care, you wouldn't either. You could disappear for a day without anyone questioning where you had been, because you'd already be gone. You could read that book because you now don't owe your time to anyone else, but yourself.

 

Oh how I dream about disappearing...

 

If only.

 

 

 

If only.

blackout

Get away, don't ask questions trust me, to the island of love it's probably simpler.

Truth is terrible, treat with caution.


Shut up take extreme caution don't touch anything odd.

 

Freak, just freak.

"When you are resurrected, you can't die. Like if someone took out an AK47 and shot you 30 times in the chest, you still wouldn't die." - my little brother




Sometimes I wish I could be a little kid again.

I remember driving in the car and wanting so badly just to put my headphones in, crank up my music and check out for a couple hours. I never could. I had to be aware of what was going on. What if I missed something important? So I would sit there and listen to my parents conversation, sibilings whining and the humming coming from my sisters headphones.

 I remember that big cherry tree I use to climb in my backyard. I remember the storm that blew it over. I remember that storm taking away part of my childhood.

I remember when I would get to go to work with my dad. It was the coolest thing in the whole wide world! I got to play with those red monkeys that lived in a barrel. I remember being so sick, with a fever, and I had to lay on the floor next to his desk while he worked. But I still loved being there with him.

I remember fighting with my dad saying with a lisp "I not nuts, you nuts" he would throw it right back at me, eventually we would agree that my stuffed puppy was the "nuts" one.

I remember being sick and my grandpa woke me up and we "snuck out" to get a milkshake from burger king. He would bribe me to memorize the articles of faith with golden dollars and spearmint gum, it worked.

I remember sharing a room with my sister in the basement. She would always make me turn off the light, I was terrified. I would turn it off, run, jump off of a laundry basket and launch onto the bed, sometimes on top of her. We would blast Backstreet boys, Nsync, dreamstreet and Hannah Montana and have dance parties in that basement room.

I remember when my parents told us we were moving, it was one of the greatest days of my life. I could finally get away from all our weirdo neighbors. The ones who would swing their rat by it's tail until it fell off and went flying through the air. The ones that would put preyingmantis's in my hair. Zack, the little boy that was missing his 2 front teeth and chase me around trying to kiss me. The "smokers" a.k.a. the crack house full of whores. The red headed twins that lived next door. And Venessa, Venessa would eat worms, dried up worms. No joke it was freaking sick!

I remember eating watermelonon the drive way and my sisters telling me if I ate the blackseeds I wouldn't poop them out and a watermelon would grow inside me, like a baby. When my sister didn't want me to eat the rest of the cottage cheese, so she told me it was made out of goat heart and all this other nasty stuff. I still can't eat it till this day.

I remember life being so simple, easy, fun & happy. Give me a piece of paper and colored pencils, I wouldn't think twice, I would just start coloring. Because I wasn't worried if people were going to like it or not, whether it was creative or not. What changed? I don't know exactly, I still have the same name, the same mind, but I've been given a different number. Once you've reached a certain number, coloring in church isn't okay anymore. Nap time and snack time are taken away. I still have a stomach and I still need my beauty sleep.

What is a number really?
I still want simplicty.
I want to have fun and be happy.
I want to draw a unporportionate person.


Freak! I want my childhood back!

When losing a game was the worst thing I knew

 

I miss being a kid.

 

 

"I wish I could, but I can't"

 

 

Sit down I need to tell you something.

Have you ever been sat down and had someone tell you bad news? I have plenty of times, but this time was different this time it was something that only happens in movies. This doesn't happen in real life, but I'm not sleeping, you can even pinch me. I was waiting for my dad to wipe away his tears,  start laughing and tell me it was just a SICK joke. That never happened. I didn't cry for a while, because it was so far out there. It finally sunk in and now it's a constant flow of tears. I tried writing about it, thinking about it, but that just makes it worse. The more I try to understand it the sicker I get. It's not something I can just ignore though, it's not going to go away. No matter how loud I play my music, no matter how fast I run. It's still in my head, it's real life and you can't run away from life. I guess all I can do is sit in my room and cry for a couple hours, then wipe away my tears, fix my make up and keep living.

Outlook

out·look/ˈoutˌlo͝ok/

Noun:

A person's point of view or general attitude to life. A view.   I hear people complaining all the time about how bad their life is. It's like it's a competition. "Who can make their life sound the worst." What's the grand prize, you ask? I BIG, FAT nothing! That's right nothing. Be happy if your reading this because I just saved you from making your life miserable, to just get "the grand prize". I mean really all of us go through hard things, we all have people who die, people who leave us, we don't make the team we hoped for, etc. Our lifes are either good or bad depending on how we choose to look at things and deal with things. You have to learn to let go. For example I had a friend who's brother took his life. It was so sad and it was hard, she still misses him, but she had to moved on. The rest of her family didn't and you can see how something that happened four years ago is holding them back and making their lives miserable. My friend she is happy, successful and moving forward. It really is your choice whether you're going to be happy or miserable. I'm not saying you can prevent whether bad things happen to you or not,  because they are going to happen. Not just to you, but to everyone. You do have control on whether or not it's going to control the rest of your life. Remember this isn't a competition to see who's life is worse. If you want your life to suck, it will. If you really want to be happy, you will be. I know plenty of you will argue with me about this, but really think about it. Have you ever met somebody who seems to be THE happiest person alive? And you think to yourself how in the world is that possible? Then you get to know them and you hear all the hard things that have happened to them, thinking "your life should suck!" "Why are you so happy?" Like sometimes it bugs me, I mean absolutely drives me crazy. Because I'm sitting over here pissed off, hating the world and thinking how bad my life sucks for the stupidiest reason. And they actually have to right to be pissed off and hate the world, but they are happy. It's those people that make me realize, it is possible to be happy. Happiness doesn't just show up on some lucky person's door step. Happiness is a choice.

Just don't

 

Don't compare your weaknesses to someone's strengths.

It's like going into a wrestling match with someone five times your size.

It's pointless and you are going to lose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Step one: Make a list of everything you don't like about yourself.

 

Step two: cross off everything that is physical.

 

Step three: Look at what is left, Can you change it? Do you even want to?

 

Step four: Start working on the things you want to change.

 

Step Five: Read through everything. Physical, the things you changed, the things you couldn't.

 

Step Six: Realize this is you.

 

Step Seven: Learn to Love everything on that list! Accept yourself for who you are, if you can't how do you expect other people to? 

 

 

Be Happy

You've been given the direct order to BE HAPPY! 

Be happy because you can.
Be happy because even though your family may be disfunctional, you have one.
Be happy because you're not wondering where your next meal is going to come from and if it will be a matter of hours or days.
Be happy because you go to a WORLD CLASS high school! Woo....I mean how many people do you think could say that with a smile on there face? okay maybe not many...yeah okay I take that one back.
Be happy because you are reading this, you can read. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but to someone who can't, it's something to smile about.
Be happy because you have a smile and your teeth aren't rotting out.
Be happy because you can go to school, some kids would give anything to take your place.
Be happy because you have two legs, you can run, jump, dance, leap for joy, or just go on a long walk to clear your head. (or on the beach with your lover, but seeing that I don't have one....it doesn't matter much to me)

Be happy that you have sadness and sorrow in your life, other wise when happy came along it wouldn't be something to celebrate.

Be happy while you can, because happiness wont always be there.

Be happy, because it could always be worse.


Just BE HAPPY!!! (:

A Temporary "Fix"

They say duct tape can fix anything. I have to disagree. I doesn't "fix" anything, it can put things back together...temporarily. Then the duct tape is going to break, then what? More duct tape? Just because it looks like it's fixed, doesn't mean it is. It's like people just because they smile doesn't mean they are happy. Just because they tell you they are okay, doesn't mean they are. Just because they have learned to hold themself together, doesn't mean there aren't about to explode.

 

Duct tape is a temporary fix that people use so they don't have to actually deal with the problem. Duct tape doesn't fix anything.

 

But it can muffle it.(temporary fix)

Where the @*#% am I?!

No right or left turn.



I thought it would be good to try something new, go on an adventure, but I lost my way


The leaves are falling
It's getting cold
Everything looks the same
Dead or in the process of dying
I'm alone
All alone
I can't go right
I can't go left
Do I go back
Which way is back

I feel like I'm in a cave
With darkness closing in on me
Trying to find the light
The light at the end of the tunnel
I don't think it's ever going to come
Does it even exist
If I stop now I'll never know
It's so dark I can feel it
I'm lost
I'm alone
There's no where to go




I took the Road Less Traveled,


Now I'm lost.

Dying Slowly and Living in the Meantime

My Head is pounding. I'm freezing and I'm sweating at the same time.
I want to curl in a ball, in a corner far away.
Away from everything, away from you, away from Life.
Instead I throw on a sweatshirt and a smile.

I drive the 4 minutes to school and yet I manage to be late everyday.
I go to class the teachers says my name.
Almost in a robotic way I reply "here".
I lied, I'm really not. I'm somewhere esle far, far away.
The place I long to be.

I look around me at all your smiling faces.
I wonder if you are actually happy or if you threw on a smile this morning too.

I wait for the noise that ends the hour and a half of BS I just sat through.
I walk mindlessly down the hall and somehow make it to my next class.
I walk in and realize I'm here.
The next hour and a half? I make it last as long as I can.
This Joyful place is sometimes refered to as Paris.
It somehow manages to turn my brain on, I'm human.
My Pen is my best friend and I get lost in a notebook.

I find myself dreading what comes next.
It's coming to an end, I have to leave.
The noise I loved not to long ago, I now hate.
It means I have to put my face back on.

I try hard to hold on to what I had.
But it doesn't last long.
I start walking down the hall the more people I see,
The more my face goes back on.

This isn't living!
What kind of a life is this?
A pretty crappy one if you ask me.
I'll share some news with you, that might change your life.
It's changing mine.....I think.
That up there? That is my life before I heard this news.

Okay here it is:
I look like I'm fine, so that must mean I am right?
No, no that's not right at all.

This world is SICK, I'm Sick.
Can't you see I'm dying, DYING.
Does that not mean anything to you?
No?
Well.....

Newsflash you're dying too.

The Game of Life

I never liked the game life, that's what life is, a game.

Look at their faces they are so happy.
That's not what Life looks like.

Have you ever played the game of Life?
It's not the most pleasant of things to play with.
Especially when your a kid.
Who wants to spin a wheel to see how far in Life your going to get?
Let's leave it up to chance.

When your little this game plans out your Life, your real life.

It's great when they give you a car and let you choose whether you want to pass up college or not. You're spinning all the right numbers, then you suddenly become so devastated when you find out your a plumber and your sister's a Superstar. When really your the one who obviously should be the superstar. Let's be real, I mean look at me. A plumber really?  You shake it off, keep going then you lose your house.

Once you get to this point you realize Life sucks! You throw fit, mess up the whole board and stomp off.



And that, that is the game of Life.

Smile and Wave.

 

I thought I was on top of the world, I finally found myself and I was happy with it.

Next thing I knew, there was grabbing at my ankles

they were mad, angry.

 

I didn't know why, what did I do?

I'm happy, I'm just being me.

What's wrong with that?

 

 

In a matter of seconds, I was on the ground.

They pulled me down,

threw me on my butt, into another category.

I felt defeated, worthless.

 

I tried to tell them "I don't belong here."

But they wouldn't listen, they never listen. 

 

 

I tried to think of how I could get myself out of this place.

My butt was sore, and I couldn't think of anything, nothing.

 

 

Should I give up?

Or should I fight my way out of this one too?

 

 

I think I'm done.

I keep getting pulled down is it even worth it?

I don't think I'll ever win this battle against society....

 

 

 

Maybe I can be myself from here?

 

Maybe I'll just change.

 

 

 

What could it hurt?

Everyone else seems to be doing it just fine.

 

It's decided then, I'm done.

Just smile through it and everything will be fine.

No one will even know the pain you are holding in.

They don't care anyways.

 

 

Smile and wave.

 

 Smile and wave.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the story of a girl

I wish the couple on the corner would get a room.

Seems like everyone around me is on their honeymoon.


I'd like to take a pin to a heart shaped balloon.
Everybody's got somebody but me.



I  hear love songs playing on the radio.
People slow dancing everwhere I go.

Well I'm a good slow dancer, but you'd never know
cause everybodys got somebody but me.




Sittin' here lonely at a table for two.
Watchin' lovers bein' lovers in the corner booth.

Seems like even cupid don't know what to do.



Everybodys got somebody but me.....

Get some sleep.

 

 

We are going to die

In the upcoming years,

So why do we have so many fears?

Drowning, noises of pounding.

Fear of the dark

Or the sound of a dogs bark.

What is the meaning,

For all this screaming?

Soon we will be gone,

And we'll look at the picture we've drawn.

What is up with all the white?

It represents our fright.

What is a life worth living?

When all we were doing, was giving,

Giving in to all our fears,

Wasting our precious years.

It IS as bad as you THINK.

Attitude

If you think you can - you're right.
If you think you can't - you're right again.


Nothing in the world can stop a man with the right  mental attitude.
Nothing in the world can help a man with the wrong mental attitude.
Attitude makes ALL the difference.

What goes through my head when I think of love.

Love scares me.
I really want it, but then again I don't.
I wonder if I'll ever find it, what if it doesn't want to be found?

Everyone says love is happiness.
I think cuddling up with a fuzzy blanket is happiness.
It's even better because it can't hurt me.
It can't lie to me, betray me, or leave me.

People always joke about becoming an old cat lady.
I've thought about it a lot, but minus the cats.(seriously though)
It scares me to think I'd be alone forever.
It scares me even more to trust someone.
In order to love, you need to trust.
I honestly don't think I can do that.
Because people are stupid, they don't think before the open their mouths.

Why would I even tell people about my problems anyways?
They don't really care about you.
It may seem like they do.
But we all learned to pretend when we were little.
They said it was imagination, and it was.
Then we grew older and it turned into a whole bunch of bullshit.

Sometimes I think about finding someone I can just marry.
I don't have to fully love them, but then I wont be alone.
But that might be more miserable then being alone.
I don't want to live a lie.
And I could never do that to someone.

I love kids.
I've thought about just adopting a bunch of kids.
But then I'd have to work and that's not fair to them.
Maybe I'll just move to another country and take care of kids.
Africa, India, England, maybe even stay in the U.S.

No matter what, it seems like my plans to fill loves place.
Would just screw everyone else over.

I don't know what love is.
I don't know if I want it, but without it, life just doesn't seem to work.
Maybe if I'm not looking for it, it'll find me.
One can hope.

I don't want to think about this anymore.
I'm in High School, you can only find "like" in High school.
Love doesn't exist in these long halls.
The years people refer to as the "glory years".
So for now....love, love is Pink.

NUMB.

Why? is the only question I can muster up.



Why did she do it?



I know it'll never be answered and yet I still ask.


Ugh why can't this just be a dream, what am I saying? It's a nightmare!! I feel like this is happening all around me. First him, then three in such a short time and now her. I know it's like a mental illness, I know they weren't truely them when they did it. But it still drives me CRAZY, like out of my mind INSANE!!! Why do I hurt my brain by thinking about this. What am I talking about you ask? Suicide. We always think about the person who took their life when things like this happen. What about the person who found them? Have you ever thought about them? I have.

It is my absolute BIGGEST fear to find someone I know or love dead. I cringe just thinking about it. I can't imagine how she feels right now. Finding your brother and then 4 years later your best friend in the same way. I'm not surprised she totally shut down. All those feelings flooding back and new ones joining them. I really don't think I could handle it.

Honestly what is there to be said when something like this happens? I'm sorry? It wasn't your fault. We cried and hugged for what seemed like forever! I then sat on the couch with my best friend for an hour in silence. That has never happened before. We then spent a pretty restless night together.

This experience brought up something that makes me soooo mad. I hate more than anything when people joke about this or talk lightly about it. "Dude I have to write a 3 page paper by tomorrow. I'm going to kill myself!" Really? Your going to kill yourself over a paper? I know this is just an expression that a lot of people have started to use. But so many people have been affect by this, you don't know what feelings it could bring up. If your reading this, next time you find yourself going to say that, please stop yourself. It's very offensive and there are plenty of other things you could say. 

I'm sorry to write about such a sad topic, but I didn't know how else to express what I'm feeling, what I'm going through.

What are you?

"I don't want to rule or conquer anyone
I should like to help everyone if possible, Jew, gentile, black man, white
We all want to help one another, human beings are like that
We all want to live by each other's happiness, not by each other's misery
We don't want to hate and despise one another
In this world there is room for everyone and the earth is rich and can provide for everyone
The way of life can be free and beautiful. But we have lost the way
Greed has poisoned men's souls"
                                             Set the tone- Logic

Well said, well said.

I think we all really want to help everyone, love everyone, and just be happy.
Because we are all human, well I know I am. Are you?

If you're unsure....here are some reasons I KNOW I'm human.

I know I'm human because I have hair,  I have organs, I have a heart, I have a brain( eventhough sometimes it doesn't show).
I am a cluts. I trip up and down the stairs, over myself and sometimes nothing on a daily basis. When was the last time you saw a robot trip over nothing? If you have let me know, I might have to reconsider this Robot thing. I can Laugh till I cry, I can cry when I'm hurt, and I can get over hurt when I love.

I know I'm not a robot because I am EXTREMELY handicapped when it comes to technology and well robots are technology.

I know I'm not an alien because I'm not green and I don't have a finger that glows like E.T.

I know I'm not Mario because nothing exciting ever happens when I eat a mushroom. I just get really grossed out and sometimes gag.....sorry TMI.

I know I'm not a dog because I don't bark and get distracted by squirrels....okay sometimes I do, but that stays between us. Got it?

I know I'm not a Dinosaur, eventhough I can sound like one, because I'm not extinct.

Sometimes I wish I was a Lamb, I mean it's like wearing a snuggy full time! But sadly I'm not.

Well I could go on forever and I'm not going to do that to you.

So the conclusion I've come to? Eventhough I don't alway want to be, I am a human!



P.S. Mr. Nelson, I can pass those "prove your not a robot" typing things and that IS the ultimate test!!

                                                         

This probably wont make ANY sense, but here I go....

 

Ever feel like you don't belong?
Like there's no one tuning in to listen to your song?
What is there even to be written?
Life is like a Kitten.
They are cute and fluffy, but soon everyone who loved them will be gone.
Because they get old, they get fatter
And all you want to do is throw them to the batter.
Life sucks and it's long,
But no matter the trouble it will go on.
So when you find yourself looking at that little kitten,
Sitting in the pitcher's mitten
Remember that song?
It's YOUR song
You were the only one that needed to listen all along.

I know this is a little confusing
Even I don't understand the words I'm using.
Read it or don't,
I really don't care if you wont.




I probably should have just stuck with that quote...

 

YOU are capable of more than just being looked at.

I'll never be made of plastic
So glad that my hearts elastic
No matter what you do 
I'll bounce back off of you
Cut me and I'm not bleeding

I tried to be your picture perfect girl
But you were in your own fantasy world
Tryna control me like some kind of barbie
But that just ain't me
I AIN'T A DOLL

What do you think about when you first wake up? Your clothes? hair? The zit that grew in the middle of your forehead and how you going to cover it up?

Who do you get ready for in the morning? That cute girl/guy that NEVER notices you? The cheerleaders, jocks? your boyfriend of 2 WHOLE days? Or do you do it for you?

If you could change anything about yourslef what would it be? I HATE that question!! Really can't we just be happy with ourselves?

Why do we all give in to this fake crap?

Why do we have to look a certain way to be accepted?

What make's it sooo cool to be "popular'?

What is being popular?

Why do you go out of your way to bring someone down? Does it really make you feel better? I think we all know the answer to that one....

Why is it cool to be a duchebag? "Hey guys let's see who can be the biggest JERK!" "It will be way cool dude!" Congratulations! You made some girl cry, called a kid gay, because he's not afraid to be himself. Everyone hates you. But your "friends" sure think your awesome!

Why do girls think it's attractive to be stupid, when your really not? Yes it does work sometimes in High school, but when you go to the really world.....it's not going to work in your favor.

These sound like silly questions.....but think about it. About 99% of us have given into this crap before. Be yourself!

The truth is; there is always going to be someone better than you and there's always going to be someone worse.

Fakeness only last so long. Why hide yourself to impress people you don't reaslly care about. Most of your "friends" right  now will not be your friends 5-10 years down the road.

I chose the name I ain't a Doll, because I 've learn to be ME. If you don't like it, move on because you'll only be wasting your time. You can't dress me up, change me, use me, you just can't. It's not going to work! If you don't like me the way I am, I'm not the right person for you. Your just wasting YOUR time.

I'm going to use this blog to say what I believe, what's on my mind and what I think. Knowing I'm not going to be looked at different. I hope you enjoy reading!