NUMB.

Why? is the only question I can muster up.



Why did she do it?



I know it'll never be answered and yet I still ask.


Ugh why can't this just be a dream, what am I saying? It's a nightmare!! I feel like this is happening all around me. First him, then three in such a short time and now her. I know it's like a mental illness, I know they weren't truely them when they did it. But it still drives me CRAZY, like out of my mind INSANE!!! Why do I hurt my brain by thinking about this. What am I talking about you ask? Suicide. We always think about the person who took their life when things like this happen. What about the person who found them? Have you ever thought about them? I have.

It is my absolute BIGGEST fear to find someone I know or love dead. I cringe just thinking about it. I can't imagine how she feels right now. Finding your brother and then 4 years later your best friend in the same way. I'm not surprised she totally shut down. All those feelings flooding back and new ones joining them. I really don't think I could handle it.

Honestly what is there to be said when something like this happens? I'm sorry? It wasn't your fault. We cried and hugged for what seemed like forever! I then sat on the couch with my best friend for an hour in silence. That has never happened before. We then spent a pretty restless night together.

This experience brought up something that makes me soooo mad. I hate more than anything when people joke about this or talk lightly about it. "Dude I have to write a 3 page paper by tomorrow. I'm going to kill myself!" Really? Your going to kill yourself over a paper? I know this is just an expression that a lot of people have started to use. But so many people have been affect by this, you don't know what feelings it could bring up. If your reading this, next time you find yourself going to say that, please stop yourself. It's very offensive and there are plenty of other things you could say. 

I'm sorry to write about such a sad topic, but I didn't know how else to express what I'm feeling, what I'm going through.